I'm learning to be kinder to myself. I have been gifted this space to talk about my journey, but I can't tell you where I'm going if I don't tell you a bit of where I've been. I was diagnosed with autism as an adult, with a big twist of OCD and a debilitating anxiety disorder. I'm not entirely gender binary, and I've loved all kinds. I often choose poorly who I allow in my space because 'love' has been a strange and fickle thing in my life.
I was three years old the first time my grandmother put her hand on my stomach and tsk tsk'd that we'd have to "dress around my bulges". My mother's war on her body was passed on to me every day, that we needed to "conceal" and "flatter" and find something "appropriate" for big girls to wear. I was also three when a little boy shoved me into a tree and told me I was disgusting (as an adult I feel horrible for that little boy, what must his short life have held for him to act that way?)
That was the start of a trend that would become my whole life.
I. Have. Baggage.
It took over my whole life and I needed help.I've been in therapy every two weeks for over four years now. Hashing out how to human and cope with family difficulties, sexual assaults and all kinds of trauma.
I learned asking for help is okay.
My mental health and identity have been forged through awful things, and now a whole lot of hard work to claw my way to what I think might be "adulting". I've decided I'm too old not to make my own choices, I've worked too hard not to try to be my own person. I'll try whatever I want now. I'm going to be me.
Most days, I almost stick to that.
The biggest thing I've learned in all this? Yoda was wrong, all you *can* do is try. Doing is a conclusive act, which works fine when you're occupying a finite film space with a pre written plot. But to live is to try! Trying lives through everything.. You try new foods, you try on clothes, you try a strategy for something, try a game... Some days it's just trying to tie your shoes or trying to leave the house. For me, I leave hundreds of things that need to be tried on my list and I try to try something every day (and some days trying to try is enough!)
Trying implies an effort laid forth. Just hold onto that thought for a minute. Trying is an effort laid forth, how much is entirely subjective and imo not relevant. I've learned to see every little try in my life and be pleased with every single one. This is how I'm kinder to myself in my daily life, this is how I string little things into big things.
I recognize that everything that happens in a day requires try, some days there's lots of try for big scary things, and sometimes trying to stay sane is it's own big scary thing.
I don't measure myself in what I "did" I measure myself in how much I TRIED. Granted, this can be a tricky thing to explain to people in your space, but the value is in yourself. Truly, you're your worst critic, so maybe um 'try' to explain all this to that little critic ;)
About the blogger:
Kate Bev left the city for a cowgirl dream. She loves her dogs, her horses, and her wide open spaces. Oh, and she also likes trying to try as often as she can!